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creative writing corner

As a professional writer, I get paid to tell a good story about your company. But telling a good story is something that I have always enjoyed doing, even when I wasn't offered a paycheck. If you've stumbled on to this page, you might appreciate taking a moment to read something you won't find anywhere else. (And even if your boss comes looking, you can honestly say you're just looking for a great copywriter.)

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Humor / Satire writing— "Olive Garden's Never Ending Pasta Bowl"

Children's Writing — The Book of Bad Dreams

This short piece appeared in the totally cool Tank magazine in 2004, and for some reason was the subject of a dramatic audio rendition sold on iTunes.

This short piece appeared in Tank magazine

This is a children's picture book.

There are two kinds of children: ones that mostly have good dreams, and ones that mostly have bad ones. Norton Splat had bad dreams—only bad dreams.

This is a scary bedtime story, filled with heaps of silly, ridiculous, unreasonable and curious bad dreams.

Of course, there is no other way. After all, this is The Book of Bad Dreams.

This satire was originally written for Don't Tip the Waiter.

Olive Garden’s “Never Ending Pasta Bowl” forcing scientists, waiters to rethink thermodynamics

Santa Cruz, CA — Overworked servers at area-wide Olive Garden Restaurants are voicing complaints that the company’s trademark “never ending pasta bowl” promotion puts undue strain on its wait staff, besides defying the accepted laws of physics.

The never-ending-pasta-bowl offer guarantees restaurant patrons an infinite amount of select pasta combinations in addition to an impracticable supply of salad and breadsticks. The promotion has drawn ire from the scientific community, which has long held that the never ending, perpetual motion required to serve an endless quantity of pasta is precluded by the second law of thermodynamics. Graver still, critics posit that the 42 permutations of pasta, sauce, and unlimited meatballs and sausage portend untold damage for the universe.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed,” explains Caltech physicist Albert Simmons in an article published in the October issue of Scientific American. Dr. Simmons maintains that the unworkable amount of matter required by Olive Garden restaurants will eventually lead to the concentration of all substance in our solar system within a 4-mile radius of the restaurant chain’s 582 locations.

“Actually, viewed from space it would probably look like a bunch of Olive Garden's famous meatballs.” Added Simmons, “I can’t stop thinking about their inviting faux-Tuscan atmosphere.”

Olive Garden’s corporate offices were quick to respond to the allegations at a press conference Thursday. Company spokesman Kevin McNeil asserted that strict policies already in place limit the promotion’s effect on the space-time continuum. “Our highly-trained servers keep the universe in check by stringent, limited-time-only and dine-in-only parameters, while providing welcoming, Old-world hospitality.” Asked McNeil, “Would you like to try a complimentary taste of our house red?”

Waiters further warned that the Olive Garden’s “astronomical prices” and “some of the douchebags who dine there” were potentially more disastrous to the fabric of the universe.